PART 9

As Lee drove, Amanda flipped down the visor and quickly fixed her hair in the small mirror implanted there. Noticing a few faint mascara smudges lingering beneath her eyes, she pulled her tissue back out, and wetting it with her tongue, gently wiped them away. Lee kept glancing at her as she repaired the damage. Finally, smiling he just shook his head at her, grinning.

"Amanda, will you quit? You look great," he assured her. Giving him a disagreeing look, she flipped the visor back up. Sighing, she settled back in her seat. There wasn't much else she could do anyway.

A few moments later he was guiding her into a booth and taking the seat opposite her. Amanda smiled wryly to herself. Two dates in one evening, what was she coming to? Seeing the smile, Lee raised his eyebrows in question. "It's nothing," she assured him, "just a passing thought."

Before he could press her any further, a waitress approached the table. "Two coffees," Lee told her, tossing a questioning look towards Amanda. "Do you want something to eat?" Amanda just shook her head. Turning back to the waitress, Lee repeated, "Two coffees," flashing the waitress one of his charming grins. She smiled back.

"Two coffees it is, then." Turning, she left to get their order. Lee and Amanda barely had time to do more than smile at each other before she was back. "Sugar and cream are on the table. Enjoy."

They fixed their coffees in companionable silence. As he stirred in his cream, Lee watched Amanda with a speculative look. Taking a sip of his coffee gave him time to search for the right words to begin. He couldn't think of any, so he just spouted the first think that came to his mind.

"So, did you and Joe have a good time earlier?" He wanted to kick himself once the words were out. Amanda's eyes widened and then narrowed.

"How do you know I was out with Joe?" she questioned, wondering if she had seen him earlier this evening after all.

Lee wasn't about to admit that he had been following her and Joe, so he opted for a partial truth. "I pulled up down the block just as Joe was seeing you to your door." he told her.

"Spying on me, huh?" she half teased.

"Well...yeah, I guess," he admitted, really glad he hadn't told her the complete truth. "I was worried about you after this morning, so I decided to stop by and see if you were okay." He reached out and let his hand cover hers. "Amanda, whether or not you know it, you're important to me. You're much more than just a partner. You're my best friend too; I really needed to know that you were all right. And I'm glad I did stop, because obviously you weren't okay." He searched her eyes as he spoke.

Finding only acceptance, he relaxed. "Can you finish explaining about whatever you did that was stupid?" he asked the question, not wanting to press her if she was unwilling, but really desiring to know what had happened earlier.

"You said earlier that things just came crashing down on you tonight, is it just this thing involving Joe or is there more to it." His concern and curiosity were evident in both his tone and he expression.

Amanda found herself responding to his concern, although for her, the confiding mood created while sitting in the moonlit grass had been broken. She was pleased by his concern, but she wasn't sure that she was ready after all to share all of the insights she had learned tonight. Feeling like a chicken, she opted for sharing the less private ones. Maybe her courage would return later.

"Come on, Amanda," Lee implored her. "What is it?"

Coming to a decision, Amanda slid her hand out from under his, only to lay it on top, as if trying to give him some comfort in advance. "Look, I'm not sure I can explain this right and you may not like parts of what I'm saying...but if you just listen, then maybe I can put it in a way that makes sense." Her eyes met his, totally serious. "Okay?"

Suddenly, Lee wasn't sure he wanted her to continue, but he nodded his agreement. Giving his hand a final squeeze of gratitude, she picked up her coffee cup in both hands, as if trying to draw strength from it.

Taking a deep breath, she looked up into Lee's eyes. "Are you sure you want to hear this?" She questioned, unsure of whether she is stalling for time or hoping Lee will let her off the hook. He didn't.

"Well, I guess, first you have to understand that up until the job with the EAO came up, Joe and I had a really good marriage. At least I thought we did," she qualified the statement, not wanting to speak for Joe. "We loved each other and we had two beautiful babies and life was...well...pretty good. Oh, we argued sometimes, but we always made up. We really had a lot of good times together. And just because we got divorced, didn't mean that my feelings for him just ceased to exist."

Amanda was deep in thought, feeling for her words carefully, trying to express herself as clearly as possible. Across from her, Lee was beginning to get the uncomfortable feeling that he wasn't going to like where she was going with this.

"And I guess that over the past four years since the divorce, my life has been pretty good." Flashing him a smile, she modified that statement, "Actually, parts of my life have been more than just pretty good." The warmth in her eyes left Lee in no doubt that she was talking about their relationship. "What I didn't understand until I was thrust into this situation with Joe, was that even though I really enjoyed my life and was moving on, I still had this tiny little thread tying me to the past. I didn't even realize it was there until I saw Joe again, and was thrown into a situation where I had to spend so much time with him. Then, all of these 'what if' questions started popping into my head." She allowed her gaze to travel over Lee's face trying to gauge his reaction to what she was saying, but his expression was now closed to her and difficult to read.

Difficult, but not impossible. It was as she had feared, he was having a hard time with this. She could sense him preparing himself to be let down and that wasn't what she wanted. She searched her mind, trying to find a way to relieve his anxiety and yet be able to finish what she was trying to tell him. This sure was harder that she had expected when she started.

Turning loose of her coffee cup, she reached over to once again lay her hand on top of his, thinking furiously of how best to go about this. "Lee," she pressed on his hand and stared at his face willing him to look her in the eyes, but he was avoiding eye contact. Then inspiration struck. Knowing they needed to get through this, she gathered her thoughts and began again.

"Lee, do you remember how you felt when Eva came back into your life?" she questioned. Lee's eyes immediately swept up to meet hers. "How confused you were?" Lee quietly stared into her eyes, nodding his head that he remembered.

"You weren't sure whether or not you still loved her, whether or not your affair was over. Remember?" Again, he nodded, continuing to maintain eye contact.

"I think that was because you didn't have closure with her. You had always wondered in the back of your mind whether or not you two could have made it as a couple." Amanda was speaking seriously and gently.

Lee was listening intently now, waiting to hear where she was going, hoping he was guessing right. He turned his hand over, capturing hers in his grasp and smiled slightly. "Yeah, I remember," he told her.

Amanda felt relief swirl through her as she noticed some of his stiffness leave. "I think, that without realizing it, a small part of me has been clinging to a dream of Joe returning and our being able to become a family again." She sent him an apologetic smile, as she tightened her clasp on his hand, almost clinging now.

"Seeing Joe again, having to relive so many memories, brought it all to the forefront. We divorced, but we never really had closure. I guess, maybe, I have always secretly harbored the thought of us getting back together, and having a real home again." Then she flashed him a smile, determined to be ruthlessly honest, with herself at least. "Or maybe I hung onto the dream as a way of protecting myself from being hurt again. I mean, maybe being tied to the past that way kept me from having to commit myself to the future. It kept me safe from risking my heart so completely with someone else."

Amanda stopped talking, and took a sip of her coffee, grimacing at its coldness. Catching the waitress's eye, she motioned with her cup.

Lee couldn't help himself, he just had to know; the waiting was killing him. "So, have you figured it out?" he questioned, trying to sound just casually interested.