CAMELOT

BY JAMES THORPE

GAWAIN: Remove your covering.

VERONICA: I beg your pardon?!

GAWAIN: Show yourself to me.

MARGUERITE: I think you’ve already seen more than your fair share.

MARGUERITE: First lesson little boy…no, means no.

GAWAIN: There is one woman who may touch the King.

VORDRED: But Your Highness…

GAWAIN: His betrothed.

VERONICA: As in marriage?

VORDRED: Sire, I do not think it wise.

MARGUERITE: I’m with tall, dark and moody, here. As far as husbands go, I’ve always had somehting a little larger in mind.

VERONICA: Put your boots on boys, we’re going to a wedding.

MALONE: Whoa! That’s Marguerite’s jewelry.

VERONICA: I know.

MALONE: She’ll have a fit!

VERONICA: How often does a lady get married?

ROXTON: Yes, well, her wedding, your funeral.

MARGUERITE: Gawain, listen, this is real life. There aren’t any white knights in shining srmour, believe me, I know. It’s just a fairytale.

VERONICA: Well, we can’t just leave her.

ROXTON: Tempting.

MALONE: (laughs) Yeah…but I guess not.

MARGUERITE: Didn’t need that rib anyway.

VORDRED: I would rip out your tongue if I didn’t need it to lick my boots.

MARGUERITE: You just handed over the guns?

ROXTON: Well, we were a little outnumbered. It was either that or die.

MARGUERITE: Oh, excuses, excuses.

ROXTON: Oh my God, Marguerite, what the hell have you gotten us into this time?

MARGUERITE: Is that any way to talk to a Queen?

ROXTON: Future Queen, not to mention a royal pain in the…

UGO: Oy! (holds a sword to Roxton’s throat and addresses Marguerite) Ugo, at your service. Shall I kill the unpleasant one now?

MARGUERITE: Let me think about that.

ROXTON: This is not a game.

MARGUERITE: I know that.

ROXTON: No, you don’t! You’re playing with dynamite and it’s going to blow up right in our faces.

VORDRED: There, you see that anger? The way they quarrel?

GAWAIN: No, you are wrong, Vordred.

VORDRED: I’m afraid not, Sire. I know the signs, those two are obviously in love. 

MALONE: It’s Camelot in the jungle! I couldn’t even have written this.

MALONE: Something’s rotten in Camelot.

VERONICA: Some of the knights must be loyal to the King. How do we know who’s on our side and who’s on Vordred’s?

MALONE: They try to kill us, they’re not on our side.

MARGUERITE: Who do you believe, your future wife or the Prince of Darkness here?

MARGUERITE: It takes more than a crown to call yourself a King.

ROXTON: Damn! His foot’s bigger than this sword.

MALONE: Don’t look at me, I’m just a squire.

A T-REX ROARS IN THE DISTANCE

ROXTON: Tell that to him.

VERONICA: We came all this way for you and now you want to stay?

MARGUERITE: Well, how can I leave the poor kid in the clutches of the wicked stepfather?

VERONICA: Oh, you picked a lousy time to go soft!

VERONICA: That kid really got to you, didn’t he?

GAWAIN: I should’ve known better! Only a fool rules with his heart and not his head.

MARGUERITE: No, not a fool, just a man.

ROXTON: I wonder if this is how St. George did it.

MALONE: Wonder later, let’s get the hell out of here!

GAWAIN: You see? I have no-one. I have no champion.

ROXTON: Oh, I wouldn’t be sure about that, Your Highness. This one’s on me.

MALONE: Roxton, are you sure about this?

ROXTON: Hell, no!

MALONE: Please tell me this isn’t your first joust?

ROXTON: Sorry. But how hard can it be, hm? All I have to do is stick him before he sticks me.

MALONE: Wouldn’t it be easier just to shoot him?

ROXTON: (laughs) Spoken like a faithful squire.

MALONE: Good luck.

ROXTON: Thanks, I’ll need it.

VORDRED: Damn you to Hell!

ROXTON: After you, I insist.

MARGUERITE: My knight in shining armour.

GAWAIN: You already offered your life for mine once, I don’t have the right to ask for that again. Especially when I know your heart belongs to someone else.

MARGUERITE: I think that’s the nicest brush-off I’ve ever heard.

CHALLENGER: And what the hell have you lot been doing?

SUMMERLEE: Apart from lounging around and making an awful mess?

VERONICA: Well, Marguerite almost married a boy King.

MARGUERITE: Veronica was nearly executed by his evil Grand Vizier.

ROXTON: But luckily, Malone managed to slay the dragon with one sword.

MALONE: And Roxton won the joust, saving the King and his kingdom.

CHALLENGER: (laughs) Good try.

MARGUERITE: And we all lived happily ever after.

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SEASON ONE

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