CONCLUSION

Driving home, Lee felt at peace with the world. Amanda had forgiven him. Somehow that thought just seemed to keep running over and over in his mind. She had forgiven him. He had been prepared to do what ever was necessary and spend however long it took to reach her. She could have made it a lot harder on him than she had and he wouldn't have blamed her a bit. Billy was right, he had let his priorities get turned around.

Tonight, he had finally been able to put the pieces of a puzzle together. He had found the answer to something he had been trying to figure out for almost two months now. Everything finally made sense to him and he felt free for the first time in a long time. He also felt like a fool for not realizing the truth sooner.

Lee wasn't very good at figuring out the emotional angle of things, he never had been. He was a take action type of guy. Throughout the past couple of years, it had been Amanda who had helped him walk through the psychological tangles of his life. She had a way of getting straight to the heart of the matter, and he had come to rely on her unerring intuition when it came to that part of his life. He had sought her out many times in the past for solutions for things that had been bothering him. But how do you seek advice from the very one who is causing the emotional jumble to begin with?

With this one, he had been on his own and as usual he had managed to get everything in even more of a jumble. He had made matters worse by adding one complication on top of another, hoping for a quick fix. Problem was, there wasn't a quick fix this time. One way or another he was going to have to sort out his feelings for Amanda, or he was going to end up destroying their friendship and he didn't even want to imagine what his life would be like without her.

He remembered telling Billy once that he could adapt to anything. The statement had been in reference to Amanda then, and he found that it was just as true now. Until he could sort things out properly, he was just going to have to adapt to having her invade his thoughts and his dreams. He was just going to have to cope with the constantly growing flashes of awareness and desire when he was around her. For right now, he was just grateful that he had been able to talk things through somewhat with her, and that there was no longer a wall of his own making between them.

He was going to send flowers to her neighbors tomorrow, anonymously of course. If it hadn't been for them, things might not have worked out quite so nicely. Oh, he knew that he still had some work to do to completely right things, but for now he was feeling like he could handle any hurdle that came his way. All because Amanda had forgiven him. He felt like calling Sanderson right now and giving him the news that Amanda would not be joining him as his partner on Monday. As for the other agents swarming around, he had plans to start staring them down tomorrow. He'd be working overtime, but somehow, he'd get things back on track.

As he swung his car into its usual parking spot, he casually glanced up at his apartment and noticed that the lights were on. Closing his eyes in dismay, he groaned out loud. He had completely forgotten about Leslie! He had told her that she could suit herself on whether she waited for him or not. Right this minute, he was strongly hoping that she had merely failed to turn off the lights on her way out. The last thing he wanted to do was face her right now. How do you tell someone that you had only picked them out of a crowd because they reminded you of someone else, and that you slept with them because sleeping with the person you really wanted was out of the question. "Face it Stetson," he told himself. "You've been a jerk all the way around on this one!" He knew that he owed her an apology, an explanation of some kind. He also knew that while he had enjoyed her company immensely, he wouldn't be seeking her out again.

This time he was going to deal with his emotions and feelings honestly, not cover them up by throwing a relationship over them. Billy had been right when he had said that Lee needed to get his priorities straight between his personal and professional life. When Lee had tried to get himself off the hook by telling his boss that he was in love, trying to hint that a bit of leniency was in order, Billy had just rolled his eyes. He had then given Lee a short, but stern lecture on the differences between love and lust. The gist of which was that love made you a better person, while lust tended to dissipate a person, causing them to eventually become someone they wouldn't be able to face in the mirror.

Lee had been on that very road just over two years ago, when he had met Amanda. She had slowly pulled him from that lifestyle, not because she harped about what it was doing to him, but just by believing in him and being a friend. Now he felt as if he had betrayed her friendship by allowing his confusion to throw him back into that lifestyle. In his mind he could hear the taunts and teasing remarks of his co-workers, only this time he heard the disappointment and disgust in their voices, rather than envy and approval.

What to do about Leslie? That was the question of the hour now. He hadn't made her any promises, but his dealings with 'nice' women were severely lacking. Other than Amanda, most of the women in his life knew the score and were using him as much as he had been using them. There was never any recriminations or real hurt feelings when it was time to move on. Oh, a few of them had stormed out in a huff when confronted with another of his women, but he knew it had been mostly their egos that had taken the beating, not their hearts.

With Leslie, he wasn't sure how much of her heart was involved. Neither one of them had spoken of love or commitment. They had met the last time she was in Washington D.C. and had dated several times. Lee had been drawn to her, he realized now, because of her resemblance to Amanda, not only in looks, but in personality. They had moved into a physical relationship just this past week.

Looking back, Lee remembered how surprised he had been to find himself in bed with her. It had just happened. Because she had managed to help him ease the frustrations of his body, he had been willing to fool himself into thinking it was more than just casual sex. Thing was, he realized now, for him that's all it really was. But, what if it had meant more to Leslie?

Maybe he could just ease out of the relationship, cancel a date here and there, not be available, tell her he had to work nights. Yeah, that would work! He grinned with satisfaction as he headed into the building, pleased with himself for coming up with such a great solution to the problem. By the time he had walked through the lobby and entered the elevator, he was almost bursting with self-satisfaction. This way, he could let her down easily and hopefully her heart wouldn't be broken too much.

As he turned the key in his door, he held his breath, wondering what he'd find on the other side. He had his excuse of being really tired tonight and having to be up extra early in the morning all ready. He was prepared for her disappointment when he told her that he wouldn't be able to make it to the embassy party tomorrow night because he had to work. It was a lie, but he had to start somewhere, might as well make it sooner than later.

Opening the door, he entered his apartment. Everything was quiet. Maybe she had just forgotten to turn off the lights after all. Quickly hanging up his jacket, he turned and started towards the bedroom, only then spotting her asleep on the couch. She had changed out of the little black dress and back into the clothes she had originally worn, and had pinned her hair back up into a french twist. She looked so young and defenseless lying there, that Lee felt a twinge of remorse for the pain he was going to cause her.

Walking up to the couch, he reached down and gently shook her arm. "Leslie, wake up, it's Lee." He moved back a couple of steps as she started to stir, pushing herself into a sitting position.

"Lee?" she questioned softly, "I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep." She smiled up at him self-consciously.

"That's okay," he assured her gently, "but you didn't have to wait. You should have gone on back to your hotel room."

"No," she shook her head as if shaking off the sleep and yawned a bit. "I wanted to stay. I think we need to talk, Lee." Her voice was soft and easy-going, yet serious.

Lee just looked at her, unsure of where she was going with that statement. "Okay," he agreed hesitantly, "What do you want to talk about?"

Stifling a tiny yawn, Leslie patted the sofa cushion beside her. "Why don't you sit down?" she suggested. "It's easier to talk that way."

Lee cautiously moved toward the sofa, feeling very uneasy about this situation. He was sure he knew where she was headed and was frantically trying to find the words to let her down gently. He settled himself on the couch, but put an entire cushion between them, unwilling at the moment to give her false hope. "Okay, shoot," he said trying to look as if he were giving her his undivided attention, while at the same time racing ahead in his mind for suitable replies to anything she might say.

Leslie looked at him, allowing her eyes to roam over his face and down his body. Lee was feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. "Lee," she began softly, and then paused to draw in a deep breath, as if needing courage. "I think we might have made a terrible mistake," she finally told him.

Lee heard the words, but was unsure of their meaning. "A mistake?" he questioned more abruptly than he meant to.

"I think it was a mistake for us to get so involved," she answered him. "I don't think either one of us thought things through very well, and I . . . well, I think we should stop seeing each other."

Lee felt like she had physically slapped him. "What do you mean, we should stop seeing each other?" he questioned rather loudly, forgetting for a moment that this was exactly what he had been wanting earlier.

"Lee, I'm really sorry," Leslie told him sincerely and with remorse. "You are a really great guy and I've really enjoyed our time together. But it's just not working. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this tonight. I'm sorry. I really am. But I just don't think I want a relationship like this one. There are just too many obstacles in the way. There's the distance and our jobs, not to mention the other people in our lives. When I'm here, I feel like you're hiding me away from your friends and when I'm in New York, I feel like I have to keep your existence hidden from my friends. That's no way to have a relationship."

Picking up on her last comment, Lee felt a little flash of outrage go through him. "What do you mean you have to keep my existence from your friends. Why can't they know about me?" he allowed his outrage to come through in his voice. This was unbelievable.

"Lee." Leslie reached out to place a hand on his arm, trying to get his attention and soothe at the same time. "Look, it's just not working, okay?" she informed him, trying to let him down gently.

"Besides," she added, "I think if you were to be honest with yourself, you would have to admit that your heart isn't really in this relationship either." She dropped that little comment casually in with the others.

Lee only picked up on the last word. "It isn't?" he pinned her with a curious look, still not believing this conversation. He was suppose to be dumping her not the other way around.

Sighing gently, Leslie just looked at him shaking her head. "Lee, anyone with eyes in their head can see the chemistry between you and your secretary - if she is your secretary. You weren't even at the dinner table with me tonight; you were with her in your mind. I saw the look in your eyes when you admitted that she was someone very special. I think you owe it to yourself and to her to at least explore that avenue." Her tone was calm and sweet and sincere.

"As for me," she continued quietly, "Well, I've had a lot of time to think this evening, and I realized that I deserve to have a man whose face lights up when my name is mentioned, and keeps me in his thoughts even when he's with someone else and who whispers my name tenderly in his dreams." She let the last words hang between them.

Lee just looked at her in stunned silence, a question he didn't want to voice in his eyes. Leslie raised her eyebrows and gave a tiny nod of her head, silently answering the question. "At first, I assumed that Amanda was just someone special from your past. But, when you walked in here with her earlier, I knew differently. The way you two look at each other, well, lets just say it's very obvious that you're involved with her, or would like to be," she concluded as he shook his head.

"I'm sorry," Lee apologized, not really sure whether he was apologizing for speaking Amanda's name in his sleep, or for what Leslie had seen between them this afternoon.

Leslie smiled up at him with rueful amusement. "Don't be sorry," she reassured him. "Tonight, I realized that some relationships are meant to be and others aren't. Am I correct in assuming that you are interested in a closer relationship with Amanda?"

Unable to voice the words, Lee just nodded sheepishly.

"I take it she either turned you down, or you haven't told her yet."

Lee just shrugged his shoulders, dragging a hand through his hair and looking around his apartment as if seeking the answer. Finally, throwing caution to the wind, he spoke to the room in general. "I don't quite know what I feel for Amanda," he finally admitted. "Oh, I'm definitely attracted to her, but how do you go up to your best friend and say 'hey how about going to bed with me' without completely blowing the friendship? She has too much class for just a casual fling." It was only as the words were out that he realized what he had said. His eyes met Leslie's, embarrassed by what he had unwittingly inferred. "I didn't mean. . ." He tried, but couldn't get the words out.

Leslie took the verbal blow, absorbing it by closing her eyes for a moment. "I know you didn't mean it that way," she finally said quietly, but the words still hung between them, causing them to both feel awkward.

Finally, Leslie moved closer and placed a hand on Lee's arm. Giving him a tiny smile she gazed up into his eyes. "Lee, what we've shared has been really nice, but I think we both know that we've been shortchanging ourselves. I'm not Amanda and it's unfair to ask me to compete with her when she is so firmly entrenched in your heart. Likewise, you're not Ashley Donavon and it's unfair to you for me to pretend otherwise."

Lee's confusion at her words showed clearly on his face, causing a small rueful laugh to escape Leslie's lips. "Ashley is my Amanda," she tried to clarify for him. "I realized as I sat here tonight that getting involved with you was only a way to keep from having to sort out my feelings for Ashley. He works with me in New York and has to be the most frustrating, aggravating, wonderfully endearing man in the world. I think what I feel for Ashley must be somewhat akin to how you feel about Amanda. To me, he is a very special man and I think I would be doing myself a disservice if I don't at least try to find out whether or not he has any feelings for me.

He's going to be at the embassy party tomorrow night. He called me this afternoon to let me know. That's why I didn't want to stay in my hotel room today - if I had stayed there then I would have spent the entire time wondering about things."

Reaching up to give Lee a quick peck on his cheek, she moved away from him. "I hope you'll understand if I break our date for tomorrow night. Somehow, I don't think showing up with you on my arm would exactly endear me to Ashley. I'm sorry, Lee. I never meant to hurt you - although somehow I don't think I've wounded much more than your pride. I don't think your heart ever belonged to me. It's my guess that your Amanda holds that part of your anatomy completely and securely."

She had reached the door by this time but turned back to Lee, her hand on the doorknob. "If you're smart Lee, you'll go ahead and take a chance on her. From what I saw today, I'm fairly sure she returns your feelings - there's just something in her eyes."

Lee's own eyes lit up at those last words. "In her eyes?" he questioned softly.

Leslie just gave a little laugh, noting the hope in his voice. "You really do have it bad. My suggestion is that you go ahead and take a chance on your Amanda," she informed him before letting herself out.

Lee just stood there in the middle of the room, with a pleased look on his face. "My Amanda," he repeated the words softly, liking the sound of them. With a grin, he tossed his keys in the air and then caught them one handed, heading toward his bedroom, for once looking forward to his dreams.

THE END (At least until the next day!!)