CHAPTER 8 - Confessions Of A Guilty Mind

Elizabeth hurried down the stairs as quickly as her shaky legs could carry her. Upon reaching the last step, she stopped then leaned heavily against the banister post as she drew in deep ragged breaths. Had William really thought that she would be willing to enter into a casual sexual liaison with him? Oh God!

Hot, shaming colour stung her face and her hands trembled as she pushed away from the post and started to walk. Naively, she'd thought that once she knew she wasn't pregnant, there would be nothing further to worry about. How wrong she'd been.

Bitterly, she wondered what her uncle would say if he knew the truth about the man who he'd welcomed into his house. How many other women out there had William shared similar encounters with before her?

The thought made nausea burn in her throat but it was no use trying to convince herself that she was an innocent victim in all this. She'd gone into his arms willingly so it was no wonder that he'd assume she'd readily do so again.

It was her own fault that he had drawn the wrong conclusions about her and if she hadn't protected herself by saying that Connor was her fiancé…

She grimaced as her conscience niggled at her about that deceit, but what choice did she have? Even so, the look of shock and bitterness in his eyes as she'd announced her fake engagement had momentarily caught her off guard, making her wonder if, after all…

No! It was just anger at being used, she saw there, not the possibility that he'd felt the same about that night as she had and was hurt at the thought of her being engaged. His subsequent words and actions had proved that.

Entering the kitchen where Willow was still preparing the vegetables, she immediately walked over to a chair and gratefully sank down onto it before her legs finally gave out.

"Hey," Willow began brightly then stopped, her smile fading as she turned and saw how pale and shaken Elizabeth looked. "Are you okay?" she asked in concern. Putting down a knife and half-chopped carrot, she picked up a tea towel and wiped her hands as she moved over to her friend. "Elizabeth?" the redhead pressed as she placed a hand on her friend's shoulder and dropped the towel onto the table.

Elizabeth lifted her dazed eyes to Willow's, her reeling mind suddenly becoming focussed as she looked back into the concerned face of her friend before finally deciding to take the redhead up on the offer to talk…no matter how hard it was going to be.

"It's him," Elizabeth suddenly croaked out.

"Him?" the redhead repeated with a puzzled frown. "Him, who?"

"Him…William," the blonde replied, looking back down at the table.

"William? But I don't know…wait…he's the reason you've been with the vague-y-ness lately, isn't he?" Willow suddenly guessed intuitively. "Did you meet him at your mom's?"

"I…oh God," Elizabeth groaned, leaning her elbows on the table and letting her head drop into her hands. "This is terrible."

Willow stared down at her obviously distraught friend and quickly made a decision. Turning away, she closed the kitchen door to allow them some privacy then made them both a hot drink. Placing the steaming mug in front of Elizabeth, who had yet to raise her head, Willow then sat down on the chair opposite. Cradling her own mug of tea in her hands, the redhead quietly said, "Go ahead, Elizabeth, I'm listening."

After a few seconds, Elizabeth slowly lifted her head and let her hands drop to the table. Taking in a deep breath, she forced herself to look at the redhead and saw nothing but compassion staring back at her. Shaking her head, she mirrored Willow's stance and wrapped her hands around her own mug. "I don't know where to start," she admitted softly.

"The beginning is always pretty good," Willow offered with an encouraging smile.

Elizabeth nodded then took a sip of her drink before letting out another heavy sigh. She was silent for a few more seconds, trying to gather the courage to tell her friend about the night she and William had met. Hesitatingly, she began to talk, hoping that by the end of her confession, Willow wouldn't condemn her for behaving in such an irresponsible and wanton way.

She explained her journey home, the snow, the crash, William's arrival, her misleading introduction and their getting caught in the snow-drift. She averted her gaze then, a blush coming over her skin as she lightly skimmed over the details of their sharing a sleeping bag and the consummation of their overwhelming passion followed by the devastating morning after when he'd resumed his cold treatment of her once more.

Pushing on past the hurt that still accompanied thoughts of that morning, Elizabeth told of her shock at finding out that William was in fact the colleague of her uncle that was going to stay and the heated conversation they'd had on the stairs before being interrupted by Connor's call. Elizabeth then reddened more and stared down at her cup of cooling tea as she admitted to panicking and appropriating her sister's fiancé in the hope's of putting him off, only to then have William shockingly proposition her anyway.

When Elizabeth finished speaking, Willow stared at her friend's downbent head in silence as she tried hard to assimilate everything the blonde had told her. She should be shocked…well…more shocked than she actually was. After all, her normally reserved friend had just told her that she'd given her virginity away to a complete stranger. Shocking, yes…and definitely not the Elizabeth she knew but, the way she'd described it, the pull had been bigger than both of them. It was kind of romantic in a way, although she doubted whether her friend would see it like that, especially since she'd seemed so disgusted with herself.

Willow sighed. Being with Oz had taught her exactly how strong attraction could be. She hadn't wanted to fall in love with anyone else after Xander but she had. Almost immediately. Yes, she'd resisted but ultimately, her feelings were too strong. But that was because they were in love.

Her gaze sharpened on the young woman in front of her at that thought and she pursed her lips in contemplation. Surely Elizabeth must have had feelings for William to have given him her virginity, didn’t she? Feelings that, by the way she was acting, she was trying hard to deny which was how she'd managed to get herself into a right old pickle. Lies never solved anything as far as she was concerned but she understood that Elizabeth was only trying to protect herself the best way she could…whatever way she could.

Still, if he was as cold and calculating as she was saying, then it was no wonder. He’d already hurt her so it wouldn't do to get involved with a man like that, it'd only end up in more heartbreak for her. Best that she avoid him as much as she could which was no doubt going to prove difficult when they were living under the same roof.

She sighed again. Why did Elizabeth have to have such awful luck with men? She was such a nice person and good friend, it just didn't seem fair that she was treated this way.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Elizabeth asked quietly breaking into the redhead's musings.

Realising that she still hadn't made any comment on what Elizabeth had told her, the redhead gave herself a sharp mental reprimand for letting the blonde worry like that.

“I’m just trying to take everything in, Willow replied honestly. She saw the trepidation in her friend’s face and sighed. “Look, Elizabeth,” she began, reaching out to place a comforting hand on the blonde’s arm. “I’m not going to judge you.” Some of the worry dissipated from her friends features and Willow continued, “Sometimes things just happen and we don’t know why but that doesn’t make them wrong. I mean, yeah okay, maybe not so bright to tell an outright lie just now, but if it felt right for you to be with William that night a few weeks ago, then it was.”

Elizabeth relaxed slightly and felt a wave of relief wash over her at Willow’s kind words. Why hadn’t she told her before now?

“Thanks Will,” Elizabeth, patting her friends hand before she removed it from her arm.

The redhead shrugged and then leaned forward a little with half a smile. "I just want to add that if he can’t see what a great person you are, then William's a poophead," she said, trying to diffuse the situation slightly while letting Elizabeth know she was okay with what she'd revealed.

Elizabeth huffed out a pained chuckle and looked heavenwards as if in hope of finding divine intervention. "Oh God, this is such a mess!" she exclaimed in frustration. "Why me? Loads of women do this kind of thing all the time with no problems but the one time I do it, he turns up unannounced on my doorstep expecting it to happen again."

"But you've told him it won't," Willow reminded her firmly. "Plus, engaged now…so he thinks…and he knows you don't like him so I doubt he'll bother you anymore. He was just taking advantage of the situation and now that's the end of it.” The redhead paused then added softly, “Right?"

Elizabeth lowered her gaze and stared back at her friend. "Yeah, you're right, Will," she agreed quietly and gave the redhead a tremulous smile. "That's the end of it."

Not completely convinced but not wanting to force the issue, Willow smiled back then gave a nod as she got up. "Tell you what, I'll give Oz a call and cancel tonight so that I can stay for dinner and keep you company."

"Oh no," Elizabeth began but her friend waved her protestations aside and headed out of the kitchen.

"I won’t be a minute."

Elizabeth stared after her then closed her eyes and murmured, "That's the end of it." With a sigh, her lids lifted and she stared blankly at the opposite wall. "So why does it feel like its just beginning?"

xxxxxxxx

William retrieved his cases and took them up to his room then methodically unpacked his clothes and put them away. Mindful that he was to meet Giles in the lounge for a drink, he decided to freshen up first before heading down.

Picking up a folded towel that lay on the foot of his bed, he opened the door then looked out and studied the three other doors that lined the hallway trying to guess which one was the bathroom. Discounting the door to his left, he hazarded that one of the two doors on his right was probably the one he was looking for.

He tried the first door and it opened to reveal what was obviously a female bedroom. No doubt it was Buffy's…no, Elizabeth's…he had to remember that was her name now. Cream and soft rose colours prevailed as his gaze swept over the tidy room until it came to rest on the bed that sat against the far wall. It was big. Far too big for someone as tiny as her, all alone. She must get lost in it at times.

A smile quirked at his lips at that thought but it quickly faded when he was assailed by a picture of her laying entangled in the sheets next to her faceless fiancé, soft light glinting off of her naked curves and a satisfied smile gracing her face in the obvious afterglow of lovemaking.

He abruptly closed the door with a slam, shutting out the sight of her bed and briefly closed his eyes as he tried to rid himself of the torturous vision. Emitting a low growl of aggravation, he turned away then stalked up to the other door and was relieved to find that when he opened this one, the bathroom greeted his gaze.

Going in, he turned the lock then dropped the towel on top of the toilet and turned to the basin. Stripping off his shirt, he turned on the cold water tap then cupped his hands under the steady stream and splashed the refreshing fluid over his face. After repeating the action another couple of times, he switched off the tap then rested his hands on the basin and stared at himself in the mirror.

Unfortunately, he couldn't wash away the vision of Elizabeth in her bed as easily as he could the surface grime of the day.

Droplets of water rolled down his face clinging to his nose and chin before dripping into the basin, his neatly styled hair now curling slightly from where water had splashed up during his wash. Pain filled blue eyes looked back at him and he sighed before pushing away from the basin and picking up the towel. Roughly drying his face, he then put his shirt back on and smoothed down his curls as best he could before leaving the bathroom and going back to his room.

Draping the towel over a warm radiator to dry, he then decided to head downstairs to meet with Giles. He toyed with the idea of trying to talk to the older man about Elizabeth's fiancé but he didn't know how he was going to bring the other man up in conversation without getting asked some questions he'd rather not answer. Plus, Elizabeth said that her uncle didn't know yet. It would hardly gain him any points if he blabbed anything to Giles behind her back. No, best not say anything himself and just wait and see if Giles did. Unlikely, but he had no other option for now.

As he reached the bottom of the stairs, Giles happened to exit his study and after a brief hello, led William to the lounge. It was a tastefully decorated room that was large enough to accommodate the dining table at the far end.

William noticed that it was already set up for dinner and that there were four places. Frowning slightly, he wondered who else would be there and for a horrible fleeting moment thought it would be Elizabeth's fiancé until he remembered that he was in America…stupid twit.

"Whisky?" Giles suddenly asked, holding up a bottle of twenty-one year old Glenfiddich Gran Reserva.

William let out a low appreciative whistle then walked over and nodded. "Expensive," he commented, impressed.

"Well, it is a special occasion," Giles replied with a smile as he poured some of the drink into a crystal tumbler and handed it over to William. "It's not every day that one of my ex-pupil's takes over a Chair at Cambridge."

"Yes, well, thank you for recommending me," the younger man replied, taking the glass and holding it up to Rupert in salute. "Cheers."

"Cheers," Giles echoed then took a sip of the amber liquid and closed his eyes enjoying the feel of the smooth alcohol slide down his throat. "Wonderful."

"Very nice," William agreed.

They shared a satisfied smile then the younger man gestured to the table. "There someone else coming to dinner?"

Giles nodded. "Elizabeth's friend, Willow, will be joining us tonight. Lovely girl."

Just then, they heard the sound of a door opening at the other end of the room and saw Elizabeth emerge from what William surmised was a second door to the kitchen and walk over to the table carrying a bowl of steaming boiled potatoes and one of carrots. She placed them on the white tablecloth then after a brief glance in William's direction, she ducked her head and left the room for more dishes.

"Ah, looks like dinner's ready," Giles stated as he gestured over to the table. "Shall we sit down?"

William nodded and they sat on opposite sides of the table facing each other. This time when the door opened, both Elizabeth and Willow entered carrying trays that had pork chops, peas, cauliflower and gravy on them. They placed the food on the table and received murmurs of appreciation from the two men.

Studiously avoiding William's gaze, Elizabeth was undecided on where to sit. Willow, seeing her dilemma, took the seat next to William and Elizabeth shot her a grateful look before sitting next to her uncle. It wasn't until she looked up and locked eyes with William that she realised that it maybe it would've been wiser to sit next to him where she would've been able to avoid his intense gaze.

Swallowing hard, she looked down and numbly began passing the dishes around when her uncle told everyone to help themselves. She heard Giles introduce Willow and William's courteous greeting that followed and mentally sighed as she felt the pressure begin to rise behind her lids indicating the mother of all headaches was on its way. Again.

Keeping her eyes firmly down, she tried concentrating on her food but, in her highly strained state, everything tasted like cardboard. Pushing the food around her plate, she absently listened to the conversation that carried on around her.

William and Giles talked about work and, upon Willow's enquiry, she discovered that it was her uncle who had put William forward for the job. He was very young to take on such a distinguished position and Elizabeth realised that, whatever his morals may be, he obviously had a brilliant mind.

As the chat flowed, she became aware that William showed amazing tact when dealing with her uncle, allowing him to speak and not seeming to mind if the older man dominated the conversation. He was also surprisingly modest. Most of Giles' colleagues tended to brag about themselves whereas William was markedly reserved, even going so far as to downplay his achievements.

Glancing at her uncle, she realised that she hadn't seen him look so animated for ages. Not being his intellectual equal, Giles rarely spoke of his work in any great detail to her, so it was nice to see him looking so happy now that he had someone with whom he could.

Chancing a look at William, she noted that there was no hint of boredom on the younger man's face. Instead, he regarded Giles with a respect and understanding that made something inside her contract achingly as though somebody had touched a sensitive spot.

She quelled the feeling immediately and unhappily pondered the question that if William had to reappear in her life, why did he have to show her this mature, nice side of his personality and make it so hard for her to actively dislike him?

She pouted slightly and cast a slightly disgruntled look at her redheaded friend. Even Willow seemed to like him, sitting there happily contributing to the conversation and giving him a friendly smile.

Suddenly, the whole scenario of William just sitting there eating and chatting with her friend and family as if he hadn't a care in the world so soon after completely upsetting hers became too much for her to bear. Standing abruptly, she clumsily knocked against the table rattling her cutlery and causing all conversation to cease as everyone turned to look at her in surprise, almost as if they forgot she was there.

That thought was the icing on the crumbling cake and she looked away mumbling something about doing some work on her uncle's notes. Picking up her plate of barely touched food, she put it on a nearby tray then gathered together the empty dishes and put them on as well.

Sensing Elizabeth's unease, Willow also clambered up and began to help her friend, placing her plate of half eaten food on the other tray. They turned to the door then Elizabeth's heart rate sped up as she saw William also stand then walk over to the door and courteously open it up so that they could go through unhindered.

Swallowing hard, she watched him smile at Willow as she walked passed, then forced herself to move, her heart thumping harder with each step. As she neared, she saw him take a step forward and fought against the impulse to run straight past and slam the door behind her.

He wouldn't try anything would he? Not here. Not in front of her uncle. Oh God…

His hand wrapped gently around her arm sending a surge of awareness through her that twisted her stomach up in knots of frightened acknowledgement of how much his touch affected her. He remained silent until she dragged her gaze up to meet his and drew in a sharp breath at what she saw in his eyes. It was as though he was looking through to her very soul and seeing what only she had the right to know lay there; as if he had confronted her mentally and emotionally in silent demand that she acknowledge her reaction to him.

"Thank you for dinner, Elizabeth. It was wonderful," he quietly complimented with a sincere smile.

The blonde blinked back at him in surprise. That was the last thing she had expected to hear. "You're welcome," she mumbled before looking away and moving forward. William immediately let go of her arm and she couldn't help but feel bereft at the loss of his touch. She heard the door shut with a quiet click behind her and exhaled sharply as she put the tray down on the table with a thud.

Her heart flipped madly as she recalled the look in his eyes and she clamped her mouth tightly shut in order to contain the panicked bubble of laughter that begged for release.

It was ironic really. If they hadn't already met and she didn’t know exactly what kind of man William was, just by listening and watching him tonight she would've been in grave danger of falling for him…big time.

But the difference was that they had met and she did know him, therefore she’d ever allow herself fall in love with a man like that.

No way.

No how.

Not even if, deep down, her heart knew what her brain refused to acknowledge…that it was already to late.

TBC IN CHAPTER 9

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